Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
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If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Otters drive ottermobiles.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]