@salamingia

My wife said I’m picky. I said obviously not picky enough.

Anyone need a roommate tonight?

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@rebrafsim

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

@CAshmanActor

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

@philco816

Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.

@HomeWithPeanut

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

@TheMichaelRock

The best part about being a grown-up is not having to answer to ANYONE!

(What’s that, honey? Be right there.)

@myles_morrison

It’s easier to get away with stealing someone’s stroller if you’re dressed as a jogger.

@Reverend_Scott

Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.

Now hold it.

Hold it…

Hold it….

Hold it…

Keep holding it…

Die.

@Diversion50

[at interview]

INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?

ME: Peter Piper.

INTERVIEWER: What does he do?

ME: It’s difficult to say.

@bingowings14

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.