Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
My wife said I’m picky. I said obviously not picky enough.
Anyone need a roommate tonight?
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dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
The best part about being a grown-up is not having to answer to ANYONE!
(What’s that, honey? Be right there.)
It’s easier to get away with stealing someone’s stroller if you’re dressed as a jogger.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Keep holding it…
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.