Inventor: so a flying balloon
Me: i’m with you
Inventor: big flame over your head
Me: sounds good
Inventor: no steering
Inventor: *snorting coke* and you’re in a wicker basket
Me: i’m in
My wife said I’m picky. I said obviously not picky enough.
Anyone need a roommate tonight?
You Might Also Like
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Duct tape can’t fix stupidity, but it can muffle it.
Men ask us if we’re naked when we tell them we’re taking a bath. THAT’S why they pay more for their car insurance.
Let me slip into something more comfortable.
*climbs into a wood chipper*
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
KID: can i eat a tide pod
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant