My wife said I’m picky. I said obviously not picky enough.

Anyone need a roommate tonight?

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Inventor: so a flying balloon

Me: i’m with you

Inventor: big flame over your head

Me: sounds good

Inventor: no steering

Me: excellent

Inventor: *snorting coke* and you’re in a wicker basket

Me: i’m in


Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
YB: So where are we on that baby?


Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.


professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow


Men ask us if we’re naked when we tell them we’re taking a bath. THAT’S why they pay more for their car insurance.


Let me slip into something more comfortable.

*climbs into a wood chipper*


“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts


KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant