9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
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*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]