My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
You Might Also Like
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
What’s this sorcery? 😂
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”