My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
You Might Also Like
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Trumpy Cat
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.