My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
You Might Also Like
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I feel it
6. me as a lawyer
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.