@XplodingUnicorn

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

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@PleaseBeGneiss

grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken

king: how many horses do you have?

grocer: what

king: [panicking] how many men?

@sucittaM

If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

@cravin4

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

@MooseAllain

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

@CaptPinkbeard

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

@Marlebean

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

@brunopieroni

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

@samdunsiger

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

@DanaSchwartzzz

I really hope the Tesla board doesn’t force out Elon Musk because that it 100% how we get a Green Goblin scenario