Pee pressure > peer pressure
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
You Might Also Like
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
king: [panicking] how many men?
If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I really hope the Tesla board doesn’t force out Elon Musk because that it 100% how we get a Green Goblin scenario