Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
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English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*