My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
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Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
ready to be harvested
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.