H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
You Might Also Like
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I’m not superstitious.
But if you’re wearing a hockey mask and holding a machete I’ll be bothered.
Who called it an internal dialogue, instead of an invoice?
It happens when you least expect it.
Your head starts to spin. You lose control and you start falling head over heels.
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.