@mikeym00n

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

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@GordoHelio

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

@PaperWash

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

@pixelatedboat

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

@drayzze

I’m not superstitious.

But if you’re wearing a hockey mask and holding a machete I’ll be bothered.

#FridayThe13th

@SadieSmithRoks

It happens when you least expect it.

Your head starts to spin. You lose control and you start falling head over heels.

-winter ice/love

@ShutUpThatsWho

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

@dafloydsta

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

@clemdytan

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

@ThugRaccoons

Me: How could you do this?

Her: I just felt like you needed to know

Me: I’ve completely lost trust

Her: I know this is hard

Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.