My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
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Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Ron is short for Aaronald
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you