@Xoolun

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with bodybuilding.

I could feel the weight lifting from my shoulders.

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@Book_Krazy

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

@theroyaltramp

Me: I’m going on a liquid diet to refresh my system.

Her: you’re literally eating a breakfast burrito right now?

Me:*mouth full* abfter viss

@TheAlexNevil

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

@abbycohenwl

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

@TitansHomer

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

@DevilryFun

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

@SomthinBoutSara

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.