[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
You Might Also Like
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.