My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with bodybuilding.
I could feel the weight lifting from my shoulders.
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Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T LIST THOR AS AN EMERGENCY BACKUP?!?!
Me: I’m going on a liquid diet to refresh my system.
Her: you’re literally eating a breakfast burrito right now?
Me:*mouth full* abfter viss
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut
HER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.