It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with bodybuilding.
I could feel the weight lifting from my shoulders.
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Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door
He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Give a dog a bone and he’ll be like,
“Oh wow, I love these, thanks”
Teach a dog to bone and he’ll be like, “dude, I got this”
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!
Very funny Mom!
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
ME: Can I get some?
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
A community gardening co-op called Weed ‘em & Reap