@IndecisiveJones

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

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@tekkie

Girlfriend: Ok you hang up πŸ™‚
Boyfriend: No You hang up first πŸ™‚
Girlfriend: no you first
Boyfriend: No you first
NSA: both of you hang up

@Trillburne

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

@briangaar

When I die, my last thought will probably be “Man that falcon looks pissed.”

@vDzwa

This is why we study Economics. To understand the importance of resource allocation lol😂

@infinitesimull

Twitter is proof that 1000 monkeys on 1000 typewriters will not eventually write anything close to Shakespeare.

@TheDreamGhoul

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

@Elizasoul80

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

@Rollinintheseat

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

@abbycohenwl

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair