my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
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When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Waiting for the Charmin
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.