My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
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Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*