@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

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@hotdogsladies

I say: “No, sorry. I’m not on Facebook at all.”

They hear: “I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship.”

@MinchinRob

GF: I’m sick of communicating via walkie talkies. I think we should breakup
ME: we should breakup what? OVER
GF: its over
ME: its what? OVER

@AndreyasAsylum

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

@VancityReynolds

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

@surrealvehicle

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

@cbme69

Waiter: Do you have any questions about the menu?

Me: Did you laminate these yourself?

@FattMernandez

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

@odannyboy

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.