My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
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My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed