My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
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I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house