My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
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Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.