I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
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You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.