My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
You Might Also Like
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month