my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
You Might Also Like
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.