Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
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‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I laugh at an ex who now dates an ugly man-pig…
Until I realize that maybe she has a type.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords
How about your kid?
“Vodka martini. Shaken not stirred.”
“So just the normal way you make a martini then?”
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Me: hey I just sent a girl I like an unsolicited picture of my d-
Roommate: OMG NO
Me: -og and it totally worked! We are going out tomorrow night!
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?