My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

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Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…


‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.


judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn


I laugh at an ex who now dates an ugly man-pig…

Until I realize that maybe she has a type.


Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?


“Vodka martini. Shaken not stirred.”

“So just the normal way you make a martini then?”

“That’s right.”


Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that


Me: hey I just sent a girl I like an unsolicited picture of my d-

Roommate: OMG NO

Me: -og and it totally worked! We are going out tomorrow night!


Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?