My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
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Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
spot the difference
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.