@MelvinofYork

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

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@FrazzleMyGimp

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

@Marcmywords2

Never compliment a woman
on her sideburns …………no
matter how magnificent they
look.

@mommajessiec

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

@AndyAsAdjective

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

@BackrowSeats

Been in an accident? Know someone who’s been in an accident? If not, call us & we’ll come push you down the stairs or something.

@mommy_cusses

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

@jjhartinger

This new generation doesn’t knock they just text to say they’re outside, so I text back to say we’re inside. Two can play.

@CantWaitToNap

Me: “I have COVID-19.”

What my husband heard: “We should have sex.”

@LuvPug

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

@UncleDuke1969

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.