[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
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Never compliment a woman
on her sideburns …………no
matter how magnificent they
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Been in an accident? Know someone who’s been in an accident? If not, call us & we’ll come push you down the stairs or something.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
This new generation doesn’t knock they just text to say they’re outside, so I text back to say we’re inside. Two can play.
Me: “I have COVID-19.”
What my husband heard: “We should have sex.”
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.