My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
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Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry