My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
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Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
😂 amazing answer
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy