@OwensDamien

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

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@Jordan_Morris

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

@Keefler_Elf

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

@2tickytacky

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

@Reverend_Scott

????LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
????LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
????LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

@megancollins

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

@RodLacroix

Study: People with children live longer.

People with children: Shit.

@iwearaonesie

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

@Parkerlawyer

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.