ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
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WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Cat is stressing him out.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!