My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
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❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries