My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
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I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭