My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
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If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….