My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

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[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do


JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct


ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload


My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.


Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.


Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you


Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.


The show Hoarders is like a snooze button for cleaning your house, “My place isn’t that bad, I can go another week”


Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.