@XplodingUnicorn

My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.

She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.

You Might Also Like

@onlyabithard

If you brush your teeth then drink orange juice you can physically taste 2020

@Cheeseboy22

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

@smithsara79

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

@prufrockluvsong

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

@causticbob

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

@WilliamAder

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

@SatansTongue

6th grade nurse: do you play baseball
Me: uhh why
Nurse: your right arm is so much stronger than-
Me: oh yeah! Yeah I play baseball so much

@PetrickSara

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

@clichedout

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

@MarcusTheToken

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.