[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
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JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I whispered to the wind, and the wind told me to shut up.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
The show Hoarders is like a snooze button for cleaning your house, “My place isn’t that bad, I can go another week”
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.