establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
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My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Just got to our Airbnb!
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”