@KentWGraham

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

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@sploosk

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

@Ray_stephan

A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.

@GensPlace

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

@BreadFoster

Don’t say “lets get weird” on our date then get freaked out I’m dressed in Forever 21 and holding your cousin hostage.

@nice_mustard

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

@sofarrsogud

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

@Brampersandon_

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

@Fickle_Filly

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

@dulcetry

Rapture’s tomorrow. Christians will be flying up into the air to meet Jesus.

Two words: DUCK HUNT

@mickeza1

You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back.

Are you raising an army for Mordor?