If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
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A 5 year old asked me what marriage is like. So I gave him a chocolate bar and told him not to eat it.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Don’t say “lets get weird” on our date then get freaked out I’m dressed in Forever 21 and holding your cousin hostage.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
How did the date go?
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Rapture’s tomorrow. Christians will be flying up into the air to meet Jesus.
Two words: DUCK HUNT
You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back.
Are you raising an army for Mordor?