My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
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All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions