My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
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4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.