My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
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You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting