@KentWGraham: My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
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@bobvulfov: 2008: i guess i'd prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience 2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
@XLCadillac: [job interview] “Why should I hire you?” “Because I have pictures of you with a goat?”
@ShoutingGoddess: I've done a few things I've been ashamed of, but at least I never played FarmVille.
@Parentpains: She said she was burning with desire, so I threw a bucket of water at her. Dating is bullshit.