My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
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Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Natty or not?
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.