My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
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Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups