My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
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It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
it’s a van. how do they not know this
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY