My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
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“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses