@ericsshadow

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

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@brendohare

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

@UnFitz

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

@bransonreese

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

@markleggett

COOKING TIP: Quickly slice a block of cheese by throwing it through a harp.

@hipchkk

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

@JB4Realz

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

@InternetHippo

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

@UnicornSyrup

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.