My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
You Might Also Like
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.