My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
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“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
real
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.