My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
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Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I’ve had worse
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
blocked.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
#oldknees