@sickipediabot

My wife suffers from chronic, debilitating headaches.

Anyway, enough about her…

…back to drum practice.

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@Six_Pack_Mom

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

@SkinnerSteven

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

@GirlPetunia

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

@3sunzzz

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

@weismanjake

Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters

@youvebeenskold

So, you wanna get married? I just got into an argument about time travel with my wife and she’s actually going to bed mad.

@ham_why

I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s like some of y’all have never had an original thought in your life.

Narrator: He did not see the irony in his tweet

@EndhooS

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

@BunAndLeggings

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

@HALFniteStand

When a girl comes over for a date, I make sure I leave a hammer and measuring tape on the counter so she doesn’t suspect that I watch Glee