My wife suffers from chronic, debilitating headaches.

Anyway, enough about her…

…back to drum practice.

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Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”


The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction


Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..


If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.


Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters


So, you wanna get married? I just got into an argument about time travel with my wife and she’s actually going to bed mad.


I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s like some of y’all have never had an original thought in your life.

Narrator: He did not see the irony in his tweet


Do you know how fast you were going sir?


Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”



Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you


When a girl comes over for a date, I make sure I leave a hammer and measuring tape on the counter so she doesn’t suspect that I watch Glee