My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

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Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.



ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends


So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.


My ceiling fan has three setting:
– very slow
– slow
– I’m about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident


HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise


I wish people were more like dogs and you could just give them those three little pats and they’d know our interaction was over.


Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother


I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.


Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.


INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.