@LarrysTwin99

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

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@LurkAtHomeMom

Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.

@OtherDanOBrien

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

@TravLeBlanc

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

@5hael

My ceiling fan has three setting:
– very slow
– slow
– I’m about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident

@natfos

HR at my work just called me and i thought i was in trouble for something but they just let me know my 11-year-old sister has been commenting on their instagram every day telling them to give me a raise

@sumpeoplelikeit

I wish people were more like dogs and you could just give them those three little pats and they’d know our interaction was over.

@TacoFelines

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

@baronvonbike

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

@TheSharona06

Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.