My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.

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[At job interview]
M. “No, English is my second language.”
I. “What’s your first language then?”
M. “Emoji.”


How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?


NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*


[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?


My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.


Every store should have one line for people who have their shit together.


Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!

[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice


Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.


Can’t wait to say “I haven’t seen you since last year!” to everyone I see next week. I’m a very popular person with thousands of friends.