My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.

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I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.


Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”


LAWYER: Your Honor, I’d like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend


Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!


20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?


My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout


Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?


Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?