Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
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I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
LAWYER: Your Honor, I’d like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?