[At job interview]
M. “No, English is my second language.”
I. “What’s your first language then?”
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
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How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Every store should have one line for people who have their shit together.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Can’t wait to say “I haven’t seen you since last year!” to everyone I see next week. I’m a very popular person with thousands of friends.