@Lakeoconeebldr

My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.

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@LizHackett

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

@ibid78

LAWYER: Your Honor, I’d like to approach the bench
BENCH: I have a boyfriend

@Iwriteforcats

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

@slimmy_shady

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

@mom_tho

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout

@VerifiedDrunk

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

@of_a_genepool

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?