@Lakeoconeebldr

My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.

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@ObscureGent

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

@ProdigyNelson

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

“shit”

@JenAshleyWright

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

@AimeeHelene1

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

@lildandeli0n

[Gets Twitter error: “Somehow, somewhere, something went wrong”]

I know Twitter, I know.

That’s why I’m here.

@Willa_LT

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

@sacca

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

@NeverEnd88

My husband and I have been practicing Social Distancing for 11 years now…..we got this.

@mybigblondelife

If they just built prisons out of the shit they package electronics in, no one would ever escape.