My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
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Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.