Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
My wife: they say if you lose your sense of taste it could be a symptom of the virus
Me: *downloading Maroon 5’s complete catalog* oh no
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Simmer down with all the cheating bro, its a relationship not an Algebra exam.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
Can we speak to the Mayans and have the ending of the world earlier than planned? Preferably before the premier of the new Twilight movie.
I think my husband cheated on me. Not one of our kids resembles him at all…