My wife: they say if you lose your sense of taste it could be a symptom of the virus
Me: *downloading Maroon 5’s complete catalog* oh no

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Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.


Simmer down with all the cheating bro, its a relationship not an Algebra exam.


I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”


I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.


If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors


Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.


POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?


eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW


Can we speak to the Mayans and have the ending of the world earlier than planned? Preferably before the premier of the new Twilight movie.


I think my husband cheated on me. Not one of our kids resembles him at all…