@LostCatDog

My wife: they say if you lose your sense of taste it could be a symptom of the virus
Me: *downloading Maroon 5’s complete catalog* oh no

You Might Also Like

@MoistPork

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

@Bratterina

Simmer down with all the cheating bro, its a relationship not an Algebra exam.

@everywhereist

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

@_davidlucas_

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

@ericsshadow

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

@squirrel74wkgn

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

@Jake_Vig

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

@PatsATweetin

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

@KKAlThani

Can we speak to the Mayans and have the ending of the world earlier than planned? Preferably before the premier of the new Twilight movie.

@_InsanelyNormal

I think my husband cheated on me. Not one of our kids resembles him at all…