Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
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Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
🥶🥶🐶🐶