*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
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Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”