shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
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Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Battery falling down a hole
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526