My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
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I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.