[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
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Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
my dog when i have a friend over
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.