My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
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daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Namaste
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken