My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
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Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?